This Script Totally Sucks!
by that one little guy
Summary: The cast of Xiaolin Showdown decides to get creative with some of their most crucial scenes. Why? Because they can. Rated for your own safety. Chapter 6: Wuya uncovers some things about the cast we did NOT want to know.
1. Guan vs Chase: Stone Cold

**A/N: **Yay! It's my first Xiaolin Showdown fic! Just so you know, I basically wrote this on a Mello Yello high. But I have many more chapter ideas, so if you like it, let me know and I will update soon.

-----

"Master Monk Guan, take one!"

The director leaned back apprehensively in his chair. They were nearly finished filming the latest episode of _Xiaolin Showdown_, and this one was particularly important as it marked the first appearance of Chase Young, giving the fangirls a new sexy villain to slaver over. Fortunately, so far none of the actors had insisted on making any of their idiotic changes to the script like they always did. He began to hope that maybe they would get through this one with no trouble.

They had reached the climactic scene. Master Monk Guan was standing on the overhead ledge, the reptilian Chase was standing on the floor, and both of them were glaring at each other. Dojo was still sitting in the pot, and the four Xiaolin warriors, along with Jack Spicer, were watching from the sidelines.

"Chase Young," Guan intoned theatrically, "I challenge you to. . . a showdown."

"A plain old regular showdown?" Dojo remarked, reciting from the script exactly. "We haven't had one of those in a long time."

"No Shen Gong Wu," Chase agreed. "We will use only our martial arts skills."

"No. We will not use our martial arts skills."

Chase looked surprised. "We won't?"

"We will use. . . OUR WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION SKILLS!!!"

Suddenly, through the use of TV magic, Chase's lair turned into a massive wrestling arena, complete with hundreds of screaming fans. Chase and Guan were standing in opposite corners of the ring, wearing nothing but unnecessarily tight pants and flexing in front of the crowd.

"CUT!! CUT!! CUT!!" the director roared, pushing and shoving his way into the ring and slamming his megaphone on the ground in frustration. "What the hell is going on here?! There's no _wrestling _in this show!!"

"Sorry, man," said Guan. "Chase and I had a talk, and we decided it's better this way."

"It's true," growled Chase, still in his lizard form. "I mean, the first way was too predictable. We have a fight, the good guy wins, says something deep about truth and light, yadda yadda yadda. We have to spice this thing _up!_"

The director ran a hand through his hair, surpressing the urge to scream. "Look, you two – _all _of you – we go through this _every single time _we film an episode! Why do you all insist on constantly making these ridiculous changes that have no place on the show?!"

"I'm afraid it is our script, good sir," replied Omi. He and the others were sitting in the front row of the audience. "As you might say, it totally inhales."

"'Sucks', Omi," Kimiko whispered to him.

"Is that so?" said the director, his eye beginning to twitch. "Is that what you all really think? You think the script sucks?"

"It sucks more than a baby cow does to its mama," Clay said frankly.

Kimiko made a face. "Eew, Clay, that one was gross."

"Face it, dude, we're working with inferior material," said Jack. "We have to take creative liberties to make this thing worth watching."

"Well what are you giving _me _a hard time for?!" the director shouted at him. "I'm the _director_, not the writer!"

"Yeah, but you're the only one here, so we're taking it out on you," Raimundo said with a shrug. "Now _who's ready for some wrestling?!?_"

The director immediately found himself shoved out of the ring by two burly security guards as the match began. As the fans continued to cheer and flashbulbs went off all over, Dojo slithered into the ring in a referee's uniform.

"_Ladieeeees and gentlemen!_" he yelled into a microphone. "I present to you, in _this _corner, weighing in at two hundred and twelve pounds – he's mad, he's bad, he's basically a big ugly lizard – _Chaaaaaaase Yooooooooung!!_"

"BOOOOOOOO!!!" shouted nearly everyone in the audience.

"YOU SUCK, MOTHER$&!#!!!" Kimiko screamed.

"And in _this _corner," Dojo continued, "weighing in at two hundred and thirty-six pounds – if you take away his Spear of Guan, he'll take away your face – _Master Monk GUA-aaaaaan!!_"

The arena exploded with cheering. Several teenage girls held up signs that read "Marry Me Guan!"

"Now gentlemen," Dojo said to the two competitors, "I want a good, clean match. Now if I've got my wrestling parlance right, that means you're supposed to beat the crap out of each other with no regard for other people's safety or your own decency. Oh, and remember to swear a lot."

"Got it," Chase and Guan said together.

"Now LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEE!!"

As the bell rang, Chase instantly threw himself on top of Guan and started pummeling him repeatedly across the face. Guan retaliated by kicking Chase in the chest with both feet, sending him flying, and doing an elbow drop on him. The crowd groaned.

"_Oooh_, that's gotta hurt!" Dojo commentated.

"Would you all _stop this right now!!_" the director shrieked into his megaphone, although he could barely be heard over the crowd. "Do you have any idea how much this is costing the studio?!"

"Hopefully less than this match pays off for me," said Raimundo, waving a wad of cash in the air. "_Put it all on Guan!!_"

Meanwhile, Chase had Guan in a powerful sleeper hold and was attempting to throw him to the ground when Guan dropped to his knees and threw Chase over his shoulder, slamming him onto the mat.

"LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE $&!#!!!" Guan bellowed. "I'M GONNA $&!# YOU UP SO $&!#ING HARD YOUR MAMA WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU!!!"

"I KILLED MY MAMA, YOU $&!#ING RETARD!!!" Chase roared back as he kicked Guan's legs out from under him, sending him crashing to the floor. In the blink of an eye he had Guan in a neck scissors and was squeezing the life out of him.

". . .I changed my mind! Put it on Chase!" Rai shouted.

"You're good, Chase," Guan choked out as Chase continued to strangle him. "But you forgot one thing."

"Oh yeah? What?"

"I'M $&!#ING MASTER MONK GUAN!!!"

Guan pried Chase's legs off of his neck, grabbed him by his ankle, and swung him around several times before hurling him against the turnbuckle. The crowd went wild.

"PRESENT THE CHAIR TO HIM!!" Omi yelled at Guan.

"Good idea, little man!" said Guan, grabbing the folding chair that Omi was holding out. "TAKE THIS, YOU $&!#ING $&!#!!!" he screamed as he repeatedly whacked Chase over the head with it.

"Okay, Guan, that's enough!" Dojo commanded as he crawled up to him. "I'm pretty sure he's dead."

"Just a sec, I'm not done." Guan turned back to Chase and continued smacking him. "_This _is for taking my spear! And _this _is for that time you made fun of me because I'm bald! And _this _is for stealing my girlfriend back in high school!!"

"Seriously, Guan, he's not moving. You need to back off."

"All right, _fine_," Guan grumbled as he stepped away. Dojo crouched down next to the fallen Chase and counted to ten as he slammed his hand down on the mat. Finally he shimmied up Guan's shoulder and held his arm up high.

"The winner! _Master Monk Guaaaaaaaaaan!!_"

Raimundo let out a wave of obscenities as he ripped up his betting stub. Everyone else in the arena leapt to their feet and started cheering insanely and deafeningly. Several people started throwing food. Everyone began punching each other and a mass riot ensued.

-----

"Hoo-wee! Now _that's _how to end an episode!" Guan said outside the studio several hours later. He downed a bottle of whiskey. "Trust me, director man, the ratings are gonna skyrocket after that one."

"Well, unfortunately, that little rewrite of yours cost us our entire budget, meaning we can't afford to reshoot it. So I'm going to have to hope you're right."

The camera crew was packing up a few feet away, and one member overheard the director's remark.

"Wait – we were supposed to _film _that?" he asked.

The director very slowly turned to face the crewman.

"You. . . didn't. . . film it?" he asked, grinning widely through clenched teeth.

"Well, no. You never told us to. And since you're always talking about going by the script, we assumed you didn't want us to. . . are you okay?"

"Oh. . . I'm. . . just. . . _fine_," the director replied, his grin growing insanely huge. "Excuse me for a moment."

He promptly walked off and hanged himself.

"Oh, that poor man," Omi remarked.

"Who's that guy again?" asked Clay.


	2. Master Fung's Paternity Claim

**Important Notice:** Okay, I'm having a problem. Since all the chapters begin by having them doing an actual scene, I was going to get the actual dialogue by watching the episodes on YouTube. Unfortunately, stupid YouTube has taken the episodes down. So if anyone knows another site where I can watch them, _please _tell me as it will be a huge help.

Okay, enough of that! New chappie!

-----

"Mala Mala Jong, take one!"

Master Fung was standing outside the entrance to the Xiaolin Temple as everyone came trudging in. "You seem troubled, young monks," he remarked.

"Shame prevents me from speaking of my most wacky failure," Omi sighed.

"Omi lost a showdown," Clay explained.

Master Fung didn't seem concerned. "Young monks, you must learn that life is a river. It has ebbs and flows."

"You mean you win some, you lose some?" asked Raimundo.

"Exactly, Raimundo. Although we should endeavor to collect all the Shen Gong Wu, it is not the end of life as we know it if we occasionally lose one. Now, which Wu did you lose?"

"The Heart of Jong," replied Omi.

"OH MY GOD!!!" Master Fung screamed before grabbing his chest and collapsing to the ground.

"_Cut! Cut! Cut!_" the director shouted impatiently as he stomped onto the set. "Fung, do I even _want_ to knowwhat that was all about?"

"I thought it would be more dramatic if I died."

"Right, right. And then _who_ is supposed to run the Xiaolin Temple for the rest of the series? _Dojo?!_"

"I could do that!"

"Shut up, Dojo!"

"Yes sir."

"Now _please_, Fung, just do what the script says, okay? The scenes with Mala Mala Jong are going to be super expensive and we can't afford to do any more takes than we have to."

"Okay, fine."

"_Thank _you," the director sighed and walked back to his chair. "Mala Mala Jong, take two!"

". . .Although we should endeavor to collect all the Shen Gong Wu, it is not the end of life as we know it if we occasionally lose one. Now, which Wu did you lose?"

"The Heart of Jong."

"YOU FREAKING IDIOT!!!" Master Fung grabbed Omi off the ground and started shaking him violently. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!? NOW WUYA IS GOING TO CREATE AN EVIL ALL-POWERFUL MONSTER WHICH WILL TRIGGER A CHAIN OF EVENTS LEADING TO RAIMUNDO TURNING TO THE DARK SIDE AND YOU GETTING TRAPPED FIFTEEN HUNDRED YEARS IN THE PAST!!!"

"CUT!! CUT!!" The director stormed back onto the set. "_Fung!_ You just gave away the rest of the season!! And you're giving Omi whiplash!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Director, sir," Master Fung said as he ungracefully dropped Omi, "but I really think this is better! Think about it – if Mala Mala Jong is really going to destroy the whole world, I'm not going to just _gasp _or whatever lame thing I'm supposed to do. _This _is closer to how I would _really_ react."

"Uh huh, uh huh. You know how _I _would _really _react to that? BY FIRING YOUR ASS!! Now just _read the script_, Fung! I'm warning you!"

"All right, all right, if you insist."

The director rubbed his forehead as he returned to his seat. "Okay, here we go. Mala Mala Jong, take three!"

". . .Although we should endeavor to collect all the Shen Gong Wu, it is not the end of life as we know it if we occasionally lose one. Now, which Wu did you lose?"

"The Heart of Jong."

Master Fung swiftly and silently responded by grabbing Omi and snapping his neck.

"_CUT!!!_" the director bellowed.

"If I can't die, can't I at least kill Omi?" Master Fung pleaded.

"_NO!! _We've already had enough casualties on this set!! Now this your _last chance_, Fung! _Just read the freaking script!!_"

"Master Fung, you should probably do what he says," Kimiko said softly as they watched the fuming director slump back into his chair and swallow an entire bottle of aspirin. "I hear he has high blood pressure."

"I hear he's wanted for murder in seven states," Clay added. "Not countin' Texas, 'cause it's legal down there. They're actually talkin' about making it a sport."

"You both have a point," Master Fung acknowledged. "I suppose it would not hurt to try reading the script as is, just this once."

"Hey, Master Fung, do I seriously turn to the dark side?" Raimundo cut in, looking excited. "Do I get a cool new outfit?"

"No, you just wear your hood over your head."

"_What?! _All right, that's it. Wardrobe is going to have a meeting with my little friend, mister chainsaw."

"Mala Mala Jong, take four!"

Everyone snapped back into place.

". . .Now, which Wu did you lose?"

"The Heart of Jong," replied Omi, who was thankfully not dead.

Master Fung gasped. "But that means the end of life as we know it!"

The director sighed in relief. "_There_. Now was that so – "

"And because of that, I think it's time you learned the truth, Omi. I am your father."

"WHAT?!?" screamed everyone else on the set.

"But if that is true," Omi protested, "then _why am I yellow?!_"

"You have to understand, I was taking a lot of drugs back then."

"_Cut! Cut! Cut!_"

"They used to call me 'Fong the Bong'."

"But your name's _Fung_," said Raimundo.

"Yes, but we were all so stoned we kept mispronouncing it."

"CUT!!! CUT!!! CUT!!!" the director shrieked, tearing at his hair as he marched back up to Master Fung. "You know what I was doing just then, Fung? I was describing your _paycheck!!_"

"But I'm doing a public service!" Master Fung insisted. "Kids these days don't need to watch shows about martial arts and magic and all of that! They need to know _not _to do drugs! Otherwise they'll have children that look like _that!_" He pointed at Omi.

Kimiko started laughing uncontrollably.

"Don't laugh, Kimiko. I'm your father too."

Three seconds later, Master Fung's mangled corpse was lying twitching on the ground.

"Ooh, sorry," said Kimiko. "That was just my reflex reaction."

The director sighed deeply. "Why don't we just break for lunch."

"Good idea," said Raimundo, pulling out a chainsaw. "I think I'll take mine in the _dressing room_."

And he ran off cackling.


	3. Like One of Those Reality Shows

**A/N: **Sorry it took me so long to update, everyone! I know exactly what I'm doing for the next chapter, so that should be up pretty soon. Also, thanks Northgalus2002 for the idea! I will probably use that in the future.

-----

"The Apprentice, take one!"

Omi and Katnappé were standing in Jack's messy room in front of his safe, pondering how they were going to open it. Inside, they knew, were all the Shen Gong Wu Jack had just stolen from the Xiaolin Temple.

"It looks like a most difficult safe to split," Omi mused.

"To crack," Katnappé corrected, putting her hand on the dial. "But it is _Jack's _safe. _One. . . two. . . duhhhh. . ._ " she said in the stupidest-sounding voice she could manage while turning the dial back and forth. And, lo and behold, it opened!

"Three," Katnappé purred in triumph.

"Well, look who's here!" came a sneer from behind them. Both of them spun around; Jack was standing there with his arms folded in amusement. "The leader of the kung _fools _and his pet!" he laughed.

He pushed away a folding wall to reveal four of his robotic replicas. "Robo-Jacks, attack!" he shouted, and they immediately charged at Omi and Katnappé with demonic grins on their faces.

"Well, it's only a fight scene," the director reassured himself as he watched Omi and Katnappé dodge the grip of the Robo-Jacks' extending arms. "They can't possibly screw up something as simple as a fight scene."

"Hey! Did we make it in time?"

"Ooh, it's just getting good!"

"Who's got the popcorn?"

The director whipped around in his chair. Kimiko, Raimundo, Clay and Dojo were pushing their way past the various techies and equipment, clutching bags of popcorn and bottles of soda. Clay had exchanged his cowboy hat for what looked suspiciously like a novelty beer hat.

"_What the hell are you all doing here?!_" the director exclaimed.

"We came to watch the fight!" Kimiko said cheerfully. "Nothin' like a good gory fight scene!"

"Plus we thought we could, you know, make some suggestions, in case the scene isn't good enough!" said Raimundo.

"That ain't gonna be a problem, will it, partner?" asked Clay.

"Would you like to hear the thirty-eight reasons why it _will _be a problem? All of which involve my ass being on the line if anyone finds you all back here?!?"

"Not really. That was a rhetorical question," said Dojo as he flopped into one of the empty chairs, the other three promptly joining him. Clay began sucking loudly on the tubes coming out of the beer cans on either side of his hat.

"Fine. Just remember, you all made me do this," the director said darkly as he reached under his chair, pulled out a shotgun, and pointed it directly at them.

"Sssssh! The showdown's about to start!" Kimiko hissed, waving the gun away and pointing at the set. The Robo-Jacks had been laid to waste by Omi and Katnappé while they had been talking, and now Omi and Jack each made a grab for the Monsoon Sandals.

"Jack Spicer, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown!" Omi declared. "The game is Truth or Lies! Last one to fall wins!"

"My Lotus Twister against your Silk Spinner!" Jack agreed.

"Let's go! _Xiaolin Showdown!!_" Omi shouted unnecessarily loudly.

In the blink of an eye, the set containing Jack's room fell away as Omi and Jack rose high into the air, surrounded by hundreds of enormous red balloons.

"_Oooooh! Ahhhhhh!_" marveled Kimiko, Raimundo, and Dojo.

"Mister Director Man," Clay slurred, "you _gotta _tell me how you do that. Is it, like, magic or somethin'?" He started giggling and hiccuped. "What am I talkin' about? A' _course _it's magic! This whole dang _show_'s about magic, i'n't it?"

"Clay, leave me alone. You're drunk," the director muttered.

"LIKE HELL I AM!!" Clay roared, aiming a punch at the director but missing by a wide margin and falling out of his chair in the process.

Meanwhile, Omi and Jack had begun their scuffle and were now each standing on a balloon and facing each other.

"Jack Spicer," said Omi, "truth or lie – you think Kimiko is warm!"

"I think you mean _hot_," said Jack, rolling his eyes.

"Yes, yes. You think Kimiko is hot!"

The director's jaw dropped open. "_Cut! Cut! Cut!_"

"What?" Omi asked innocently as the director stormed directly underneath them. "We are playing Truth or Lies like we're supposed to, aren't we? And I thought the questions would be more interesting if they were highly inappropriate and probing into Jack's personal life! Like on one of those reality shows!"

"Now _look_," said the director, struggling to keep his voice level, "you are _not _asking any questions about Jack's personal life! Do you understand? We _all _need to be spared _that! _You're asking the questions that are _in the script!!_"

"To tell you the truth, I wasn't too comfortable with that one either," Jack confessed, looking very red in the face.

"Okay, okay, very well," Omi said reassuringly. "Do not entangle your britches."

"He just told you not to get your undies in a knot," Kimiko explained as the director walked back and collapsed into his chair.

"Yes, Kimiko, I understand. Now let's take it from the beginning of the showdown. The Apprentice, take two!"

"Jack Spicer, truth or lie – you hang pictures of Kimiko on your ceiling so you may gaze at her as you fall asleep!"

"_What? _Now really, what's that got to do with anything?!" Jack demanded. "And anyway, it's a lie."

The balloon Jack was standing on popped.

"CUT!! CUT!! CUT!!" the director bellowed. "What did I just say, Omi?!"

"I am most sorry, your director-ness. I felt the truth had to come out."

"I'm beginning to feel the same way," said Kimiko, glaring up at Jack.

The director covered his face with his hands. "Look, Omi, the truth can come out _later_. _Now _we film the scene. _Later _truth come out. Comprende?"

"It will be too late if we wait any – "

"_The Apprentice, take three!_"

"Truth or lie!" Omi shouted at Jack. "All the time you are on your computer and you say you are doing evil genius-related things, you are actually looking at naughty pictures of Kimiko!"

"_Lie! Lie! _That's a total lie!!"

The balloon popped.

"_CUT!!!_" the director shrieked.

But Jack, who had just fallen onto a balloon lower down, would have none of it. "Forget it, director man! A man can only take so much of this before he has to defend himself!" He stood up and turned back to Omi. "Okay Omi, truth or lie – you were the one who _took _those naughty pictures of Kimiko!"

Omi laughed. "That is a complete lie!"

_Pop!_

"THAT DOES IT!!!" Kimiko screamed, jumping to her feet and clenching her fists. "COME DOWN HERE, BOTH OF YOU, SO I CAN CRACK YOUR SKULLS OPEN WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!"

"You tell 'em, Kimiko! You waste those perverts!" cheered Clay, who hadn't gotten up off the floor yet.

The director sighed and sank into his chair. "I should probably just go home right now."

"Truth or lie!" Jack shouted as Omi struggled to remain on top of the balloon he had just fallen onto. "You shine your head with shoe polish so Kimiko will notice you!"

"_Lie!_"

_Pop!_

"Silk Spinner!" Omi shouted as he fell, and a sticky string of webbing shot out of the Spinner and latched onto a balloon, swinging him to safety. "Now, Jack Spicer, truth or lie – you have the Chameleon Bot turn into Kimiko so that you may make out with it!"

"Total lie!"

_Pop!_

"Hey guys, you should probably stop asking ones about Kimiko," Raimundo called up. He had grabbed hold of Kimiko by the arm, which was the only thing preventing her from running onto the set and ripping both boys apart. As soon as she realized this, she turned around and started trying to gnaw her arm off.

"You can't blame us, Kimiko!" Jack said defensively. "There's a severe lack of attractive girls on this show!"

"_Hey!! _What am I, chopped liver?!" Katnappé yowled from down on the floor of the set.

"Yes, Jack, I have seen you looking at naughty pictures of Katnappé as well," Omi realized.

"_Truth or lie!!_" Jack screamed, desperate to change the subject. "What color are my underpants?!"

"You are not wearing underpants."

"EEEEEEEEEEEW!!!" cried Kimiko, Raimundo, Dojo and Katnappé.

"_What?_" Jack demanded. "Can't a guy go commando without having to put up with any crap?!"

"All right, I've had enough," the director decided. He grabbed his shotgun and promptly blasted holes in the balloons that held Omi and Jack, sending them both plummeting down and crashing onto the floor.

"YOU ARE ALL DRIVING ME INSANE!!" he snarled. "I cannot do _one scene _of this show without all of _you _driving it completely out of my control! The only one of you who's _not _totally pissing me off right now is Clay, because he's too _drunk _to do anything!!"

"Heh heh. . . ." Clay snickered from facedown on the floor. "Didya ever think how funny the name Raimundo sounds? . . .'Rai-MOON-doh'. . . ."

"Well, why didn't you just say so?" asked Jack. "If you want us to back off, we will."

"_Yes! _That's _exactly _what I want!"

"Well, then, don't let us get in your way," said Dojo. "C'mon everybody, let's all go look at naughty pictures of Kimiko!"

Everyone (Kimiko included) cheered and walked out of the studio, leaving the director standing alone and looking very confused.

"Uh. . . okay. . . good job, everybody," he said to absolutely no one. "We'll pick it up tomorrow."


	4. Night of the Copyright Infringements

**A/N: **Yeah, yeah, I know I said I was going to update sooner, but I think I have a pretty legit excuse this time. And that excuse is. . . I've been busy getting ready for college!! (pause) Wait, that just gave away my age, didn't it? Crap. . . WUSHAN GEYSER! (flash) Hah! Now you forgot I said that!

-----

"Night of the Sapphire Dragon, take one!"

Dojo fled through the temple courtyard in terror. Pursuing him slowly but relentlessly were the Xiaolin warriors, Master Fung, and the other monks, all of whom had been turned into sapphire statues and were being controlled by the malicious Sapphire Dragon.

"Get away from me, you sapphire fr --" he was cut off as Omi grabbed him by the neck and hauled him off the ground, glaring silently but cruelly at him.

In his state of frenzied panic, Dojo did the only thing he could think of and blew a puff of soot in Omi's face. As soon as he did, Omi began moaning loudly and waving the cloud away in agitation. Incredulous, Dojo blew several more puffs at him, and the effect was the same.

"You mean to tell me a little _soot _bothers you?" Dojo exclaimed as Omi dropped him. Then it hit him.

"Hang on a minute -- _that's _why Dashi hid the Dragon in a volcano! It's weakened by soot!!"

Even as he pondered this, he had to duck and weave to avoid being snatched up by Kimiko, Raimundo and Clay. "So if I could re-sootify the Sapphire Dragon, it might go back to being a harmless bauble again! And that means normal, un-sapphirey friends!"

"I'm pretty sure a bunch of those words don't exist," Rai broke character to whisper to Kimiko.

"Our writers suck," she whispered back.

"Oooh, why are we whispering? I like to whisper!" Omi whispered very loudly as he bounced up and down.

Meanwhile, Dojo had enlarged himself to his full size and had just attempted to blast the similarly huge Sapphire Dragon with a cloud of soot, only to have the evil dragon effortlessly blow it away with a puff of blue smoke.

"Um. . . excuse me." He shrank back down to normal size. "What was I thinking?! I don't have that kind of firepower! Unless. . . ."

He dodged a blast of blue fire, scampered back inside the temple and approached a box seated in Clay's room.

"It had better be here -- this is our last hope!" he muttered to himself as he threw the lid off the box. Inside were several bottles of Clay's infamous hot sauce.

"Jackpot!" Dojo cried, holding aloft one of the bottles. "Grand Pappy's Texas Tin Horn Sizzling Sa -- hey, _wait_ a minute! _Cut, cut, cut!!_"

The camera crew looked very confused. "Uh. . . okay," said the cameraman, switching the camera off.

The director did a double take. "What the -- don't listen to _him! _Yelling 'cut' is that thing that _I _do! Uncut! Uncut!"

The cameraman raised an eyebrow. "'_Uncut_'?"

"Mister director, I have a problem with this script," Dojo declared. "You're telling me that I defeat the Sapphire Dragon with a bottle of _hot sauce?! _That's the stupidest plot device I've ever heard! Nobody's going to believe that!"

"Right. Because a show about kids who use a bunch of magical objects to fight a witch, a lizard man, and a fricking _bean _requires no suspension of disbelief whatsoever."

"_Exactly! _So the least we can do is make this baby more plausible!"

"You know, mister director, _I _was thinking the exact same thing!" the Sapphire Dragon said in a strangely effeminate voice. "I mean, the whole hot sauce premise just _sucks! _We've _got _to do it over! And WHERE'S MY LATTE?!"

"Right here, your sapphire-ness," grumbled a techie as he handed it a Starbucks cup. The Dragon took one sip of it and splashed it back on the techie in fury.

"YOU IDIOT! THIS ISN'T DECAF!! DO YOU WANT ME TO GET ALL BLOATY?!?"

"S.D., _shut up_," the director groaned. "You're not even supposed to _talk! _You're a Shen Gong Wu, remember?"

"Getting back to my point," Dojo cut in. "S.D. and I think we need something else to fight with. Something exciting and decisive! We need. . . LIGHT SABERS!!"

Suddenly and inexplicably, the Darth Vader theme music started playing from out of nowhere as giant Dojo and the Sapphire Dragon each produced a gigantic glowing light saber and crashed into each other in an earth-shattering, science fiction-y duel to the death.

"CUT, CUT, CUT!!" the director roared as Dojo was repeatedly whacking the Sapphire Dragon over the head with the handle of his light saber. "And somebody turn off that music!!"

"Sorry," Raimundo said sheepishly, turning off his boom box.

"What, you don't like that idea?" Dojo asked the director innocently.

"You _jerk! _You smudged up my scales!" the Sapphire Dragon pouted. "Do you have _any_ idea how long I had to polish them to get them to shine like that?! _Nobody _messes up my bling!"

"Dojo," said the director, "mystical dragons do _not _have light sabers. Got it? They have bottles of hot sauce. Deal with it."

"You know, Dojo, although it's against my policy to agree with anything the director says, I think maybe you should do what he wants so we can finish," said Kimiko, who was scratching herself all over. "This blue body paint is giving me a rash."

"I'm itchin' more than a dog at a flea market," Clay complained as he fidgeted. "Can somebody scratch my butt for me?"

Everyone in the studio stepped several paces away. One techie screamed and threw himself out the window. Because the studio had a window for some reason.

"Okay, okay, I get it," Dojo assured them. "But hear me out. What if we each had. . . AN ARMY OF GUYS WITH MACHINE GUNS!!"

As if on cue, wave after wave of muscular weapon-toting army guys poured onto the set, bellowing commands at each other and wildly firing their machine guns in every direction. All of the actors (and most of the crew) screamed and dived for cover.

"I AM TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!" Omi screamed, running around in circles.

"AND I'M TOO RICH AND HANDSOME TO DIE!!!" screamed Master Fung.

"Aww, _hell _yeah! This is Oscar material for sure!" the cameraman exclaimed, keeping the camera rolling.

The director rolled his eyes. "All right, first of all, TV shows win _Emmys_, not Oscars. And second -- oh for God's sake, what am I doing? STOP FILMING!!" He grabbed the camera and tripod and hurled them away. "DOJO!! STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!!!"

"I know, I know, it's a complete mess," Dojo called over, even as dozens of army men were piling on top of him and stabbing him with bayonets. "Don't worry, I know how to fix it. The only other thing we need is. . . HAND GRENADES!!"

_Everybody _gasped and instantly froze in place as Dojo produced said hand grenade and prepared to pull the pin out. Before he did, though, he seemed to notice that everyone was staring at him.

"Uh. . . what's the matter?"

"Dojo," the director sighed, "before we all die, I'm just curious: _where _did you get all of this stuff?"

"Well before you start pointing fingers, I _didn't _steal them from the U.S. Army Base with intent to sell them to foreign countries in order to pay off my gambling debts."

"I'll bet he did," Kimiko muttered.

"I'LL BET YOU A BILLION DOLLARS I DIDN'T!!!" Dojo bellowed at her.

"Now look," said the director. "I pride myself on being a very patient, competent, and intelligent director. If I weren't, I'd be next door directing _Avatar: The Last Airbender_. That's why instead of putting a smudge on my reputation by murdering you, I'm just going to ask you to get rid of all your army friends so we can finish the episode."

"All right, all right," Dojo grumbled, turning to the army dudes. "Sorry guys. I'll try and sneak you some cupcakes from the after party."

"_And _lose the hand grenade," the director ordered as the army dudes muttered to themselves and filed out of the studio.

"But this is a Shen Gong Wu!" Dojo insisted. "It's the Hand Grenade. . . of. . . Explodigong?"

The Sapphire Dragon scoffed. "Like he's going to believe that. Dojo, you are an _idiot_. And that color is just _gross_ on you."

Dojo narrowed his eyes dangerously at the Sapphire Dragon. "Hey S.D., look behind you."

"Huh?" As the Sapphire Dragon turned around, Dojo picked up his light saber and cleanly sliced his head off.

"_Dojo!!_" the director moaned in frustration. "We already paid for his contract! How are we supposed to finish the episode _now?!_"

"We don't have to, boss," said the cameraman, peeking out from behind the camera. "I got the whole thing!"

"YAAAAAAY!!" cheered the cast as they pranced around joyously.

"It appears we owe our salvation to Dojo!" said Omi.

"I always knew he had a real blood lust burning in him," Clay said fondly.


	5. Interlude: Revenge of the Avatards

**A/N: **Man, I'm sorry guys. . . I really wanted to update this sooner, but I can't create an honest-to-goodness new chapter yet (see my profile for full details). So. . . in the meantime I came up with this idea that I hope you guys will enjoy.

Please don't kill me.

-----

"I feel like we haven't done anything in a while," said Kimiko. She and the others were lounging around the studio as the set crew was idly walking around setting up.

"Possibly because our most honorable director flushed an entire season's worth of scripts down the toilet," Omi suggested.

"I'm _sorry_, okay?! It was an accident!!" stormed the director, who had just been stomping past. "I've been having to flush all of my hate mail down the toilet and the scripts just got in there somehow!"

Raimundo scratched his head. "Your hate mail?" he repeated.

"Yes. Ever since we filmed the Sapphire Dragon episode I've been getting piles and piles of hate mail and anonymous death threats."

"You mean even more than usual?" asked Jack.

"You don't think maybe the fans of that Avatar show got angry at you for totally slammin' it, do you?" said Clay.

The director rolled his eyes. "Of course not. That can't be it."

No sooner had he spoken than there was a loud rumbling noise from outside the studio, accompanied by dozens of terrified screams. The director and the cast started and nervously turned in the direction of the noise. . . and then the wall exploded in as an enormous flying bison bashed its way inside. Standing on top of it was a skinny bald kid with a blue arrow tattooed on his head.

"ARE YOU USER LADIESMAN217?!?" the kid screamed, thrusting his finger at the director.

The director rapidly grew very pale. ". . .What?"

"Sorry. I mean. . . are you the director of this show?!"

"Yes?"

"My many fans have informed me that you flagrantly insulted my show!" the kid bellowed. "NOW YOU WILL DIE!! APPA, DESTROY HIM!!!"

"WAIT!! NO!! I'M NOT REALLY THE DIRECTOR!! I JUST WRITE THAT ON MY TAX FORMS!!!" the director shrieked as the flying bison stomped after him and began chasing him all around the studio. The Xiaolin gang watched in dumb silence.

"_What's _going on here?" asked Dojo, slithering up onto Clay's hat.

"The kid with the arrow on his head is going to kill the director," Raimundo explained.

"YAAAAAAAAAY!!!" cheered everyone else.

Rai facepalmed. "Guys, if he kills the director it means we're all out of a job."

Everyone considered this for a moment.

"THAT SICK BASTARD!!" Kimiko screamed. "LET'S GET HIM!!"

All of them grabbed their various Shen Gong Wu and charged furiously after the huge six-legged white creature, but didn't make it very far before they all crashed into a long-haired girl who had been standing in the middle of the floor.

"Get off me, you freaks!" she snapped, shoving them off and standing back up. "Aang! What do you think you're doing?!"

Appa the bison seemed to recognize her, as it immediately screeched to a stop and sent the kid flying off its back and crashing onto the floor.

"But Katara, it was a battle for my honor!" he slurred.

"You'll have to forgive my friend," Katara said to the director, who was cowering very heroically on the floor. "He's had too much illegal cactus juice."

"That was _my _illegal cactus juice!!" snapped one of the two older boys who were walking up behind her, accompanied by a much shorter little girl.

Aang slowly and unsteadily got to his feet. "Mister director, sir," he drawled, "you have grievously insulted my honor, and now I must use my Avatar powers and crush you."

"Not so fast!" Omi shouted valiantly as he stepped forward. "I'm afraid my friends and I cannot allow this, my fellow but far less ruggedly handsome bald one."

The director beamed up at him. "Do you guys really care about me that much?"

"No. We just like our money," Clay replied.

"Now, listen," Katara said calmly. "None of _us _want to kill your director. There's no need for us to get violent."

"Yes there is! Let's kick their asses!!" shouted the little girl.

"Okay then!" Raimundo stepped forward and jabbed a finger at them. "Aang and Katara and – who the hell are you three?"

Katara rolled her eyes. "Sokka, Toph, Zuko," she said, pointing at each of them.

"Yeah, whatever. We challenge you to a ten-way Xiaolin Showdown for the director's life!"

Kimiko was stunned. "Dojo, does this fall within the rules even _slightly?_"

"Y'know, I'm just going to go ahead and say it does. And you each have to fight the person who has your own element."

"Wait a minute! Who am _I _supposed to fight?!" demanded Sokka.

"You can fight Spicer over there!" said Clay, thumbing at Jack. "You're both boy geniuses with no powers and absolutely no luck with the ladies."

"Hey! I have _lots _of luck with the ladies! They just keep _dying!!_" Sokka said defensively. ". . .Wait, that came out wrong."

"Enough of this chat-chit! Let us begin!" Omi shouted. "GONG YI TANPAI!!"

-----

"I guess I'll just sit here and watch," Dojo remarked, sliding up next to the director, who was sitting on the floor with his face buried in his hands.

"So now you're telling me that _those _five are all that's standing between me and a gory painful death?"

"Yep, pretty much."

"Well, then, I'll just be over here writing my eulogy."

Meanwhile, Raimundo and Aang were facing off against each other.

"Oh man, this is gonna be too easy," Rai chuckled. "Typhoon Boom! Wind!"

The powerful blast of wind easily knocked Aang off his feet, but he righted himself in midair and literally flew back to where he had been standing.

"Oh yeah?! Well what about – this thing! Air!" Aang created an air scooter and jumped up on it, charging at Raimundo and sending him flying.

"Aang, you don't need to call out your attack," Katara reminded him impatiently.

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"Sword of the Storm!" Raimundo shouted from where he was sprawled on the floor, twirling his favorite Shen Gong Wu until it produced a devastating whirlwind. Aang, completely off guard, was thrown twenty feet into the air before landing with a dull thud.

"Hah! I knew it. I'm awesome," Rai said smoothly. "I'm not even gonna try anymore." He produced a hand mirror out of his pocket and looked into it. "Hey there, handsome."

The director's jaw dropped. "What's going on here?!"

"We seem to have reached a stalemate," said Dojo. "The arrow-headed kid's out of commission and Raimundo's just looking at himself in a mirror."

"You can still win, Aang!" Katara shouted while dodging a Tornado Strike. "Just use his weakness against him!"

Aang's eyes lit up. "That's _it!_" He leapt to his feet, grabbed the mirror out of Raimundo's hand, and smashed it over his head.

"Ooh," Dojo winced as Rai hit the floor. "I hope he doesn't keep bleeding like that."

-----

"Judolet Flip! Fire!" Kimiko called out, launching her signature move.

"Weird. You sound exactly like my sister," said Zuko, dodging her attack and blasting her with his own. "Except you're a lot crazier and scarier."

"Oh yeah?!" Kimiko snapped, hurling a fireball at him. "Well. . . well. . . you have a horribly disfiguring facial scar!!"

"So do you! . . .Oh no, wait, you're just ugly."

Dojo groaned. "You should _not _have said that."

"Huh? Why n – AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Kimiko had grabbed him by the ear with her hand, which happened to be on fire.

"Make fun of my sanity all you want," she said in a low voice, "but NEVER CALL ME UGLY!!!"

What happened next was far too graphic to relate in this story.

-----

Clay and Toph both stood where they were, neither one making a move.

"Uhh. . . I'm sorry, little missy, I just can't do this," Clay finally sighed, hanging his head. "I don't fight girls."

"Yeah, neither do I," Toph agreed.

They decided to end at a draw, Clay seemingly failing to realize he had been insulted.

-----

"JACK-BOTS, ATTACK!!" Jack shouted from where he was hovering, and an army of his sinister robots flew directly at Sokka.

"IMMA FIRIN MAH BOOMERANG!!" Sokka bellowed, hurling his weapon at his attackers. It easily sliced through each one, and they all exploded.

"What the – how did you do that?!" Jack demanded.

Sokka shrugged. "It was easy. I just threw this thing."

"That's amazing," Jack marveled, flying in closer and sticking his neck out. "Can you, like, throw it again, really close, so I can watch?"

Sokka stared at him and finally groaned to himself. "I thought this was gonna be _challenging_."

-----

"Orb of Tornami! Water!" Omi cried, holding out the Shen Gong Wu as a torrent of water burst out of it. Katara, however, produced a huge water whip and easily knocked it away.

"I don't know who you think you are," she chastised, "but _I _am the overly bearing mother figure with absolutely no sense of humor. I take no pleasure from this fight and see no comedic value in it whatsoever."

Omi stared at her. "But. . . but. . . how can that be?"

"And furthermore, I decry your entire show as vapid and juvenile. At least _we _deal with serious, mature, adult issues. You can't say that at all."

Omi was speechless.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, desensitizing children to meaningless cartoon violence without producing any kind of moral."

Omi stared at the floor, looking completely devastated.

"Omi, my man!" Dojo cried, immediately skittering up to him. "What's wrong? What's happening to you?"

"Her seriousness and lack of humor have crushed my soul."

"And now I'll crush your _skull!_" Katara shouted, generating an enormous water whip.

Omi's eyes bulged. "_Orb of __Tornami! __Ice!!_"

Katara's water whip, which had been forming around her arms and above her head, was instantly frozen solid, and the weight of it caused her to topple over and crash to the floor.

"Ow. . . I think my arms are broken."

"Meaningless cartoon violence wins again!" Omi cheered.

-----

"Well, it looks like the showdown's over," Dojo said from beside Omi. "Hey mister director, can you tell who won? What's everybody's status?"

"Aang has alcohol poisoning, Raimundo has glass sticking out of his head, Katara has several compound fractures, Clay continues to be stupid, Jack has a slit jugular, and Zuko has one scarred eye and one black eye."

"Wow. Now we have _two _blind people," remarked Sokka.

"No problem. I can adapt just like Toph," Zuko said confidently, taking two steps and crashing into a wall.

"Sounds like a tie to me," said Dojo. "Now what do we do?"

"How about, instead of killing him, I just torture him for a few days?" Aang offered.

"That sounds most reasonable," Omi agreed, turning to the director. "Mister director, what is the most horrendous form of torture you can imagine?"

"Staying here with all of you," he muttered.

"Then it is agreed! We will all stay here and have a party together!"

And so they all threw a huge party inside the studio and everyone became friends. Eventually they went back to doing their shows and all of their injuries healed, except for the director, who was permanently emotionally scarred. So all in all, a perfect ending.

**TO BE ****CONTINUED. . . .?**


	6. Rio Reverso Reveal

**A/N: **WOOOOOOO!! MY XIAOLIN WOES ARE OVER!! I just found a bunch of episodes on (including several I haven't gotten to see yet!), meaning I can finally update! So here is the new chapter.

AAAAAAHHH I had forgotten how much I love and adore this show!!

--

"Oil in the Family, take one!"

The Xiaolin warriors were gathered on the massive oil rig in the middle of the ocean, watching in horror as the colossal T-rex snatched up Jack and Wuya and prepared to devour them whole.

"We cannot just stand by and watch Wuya and Jack be chewed up by a big dinosaur!" Omi fretted.

"You're right," Kimiko agreed. "Someone better get the camcorder!"

"Ruby of Ramses!" Wuya shouted, pointing the gem at Jack and engulfing him in a red glow.

"Oh no. . . AUGHHH!!" Jack wailed as Wuya levitated him into the air and slammed him repeatedly against the dinosaur.

The director was not watching any of this. He was staring and the ground and twitching in fear. Standing behind him were two towering, bulky, ridiculously frightening Cartoon Network executives.

"We've been getting a lot of complaints about this show, sir," one of them growled threateningly.

"There's been suggestions that there have been less than legal goings-on with your actors," said the other.

"Listen, guys, I have no idea what you're talking about," the director said in a shaky voice. "We're all perfectly legit here. This is a kids' show, for God's sake. We haven't done anything wrong."

"We received a report that you blew up the studio filming one of your episodes."

"So? Accidents are bound to happen. This is an action-oriented show."

"The episode was about monkeys."

"_Fine_ then! Go ahead and watch us!" the director snarled. "Just so you can see for yourself that we're a completely innocent show and there is _nothing _going on with our actors!!"

Meanwhile, Jack and Wuya had freed themselves from the T-rex's grasp, but now the monstrous lizard turned and lunged directly at them.

"Rio Reverso!" Wuya called out, pointing the Shen Gong Wu at the dinosaur. In a split second, it lashed at her with its tail, knocking her to the ground and causing her to inadvertently fire the Rio Reverso directly at Omi.

_ZAP!_

"Aaaaaugh!!" Omi cried as he was struck by the beam of light, flying backwards. Everyone threw their arms over their eyes to block out the blinding flash, and when it died down, they looked at Omi to find he was somewhat. . . different. Rather than being the bald-headed monk everyone was used to, he now had a full head of hair. . . as well as a full beard.

"What the – _cut! Cut!_" the director exclaimed.

"Care to explain this?" demanded Cartoon Network Executive #1.

"Omi was hit by the Rio Reverso. It reverts things back to their original states," the director replied. "Which in his case, appears to be a forty-year-old man."

"_Fine! _It appears the cat has been withdrawn from the sack!" Omi fumed. "If you must know the truth, I am a simple man with a growth defect who wished to star in a TV show alongside a group of young children."

"Wow. . . _that's _not sketchy at all," Raimundo remarked uneasily.

"Then why is your voice still high?" asked Kimiko.

"I like helium. Very much. It is a sickness."

The director groaned. "Look, people, can we please just finish filming this scene now and worry about the potential child endangerment issues later?"

"Okay, but let's make it fast," Kimiko whimpered, noticing that Omi was waggling his eyebrows at her.

"All right then. Oil in the Family, take two!"

"Okay. . . okay. . . nice lizard. . . ." Wuya said nervously. "Rio Reverso!"

She fired the beam at the dinosaur, but once again it sent her flying with a smack from its tail and caused the blast to fly in a different direction.

"OW!! YOU STUPID FREAKING ASSHOLE!!" Wuya shouted just as the beam hit an unsuspecting Raimundo.

_ZAP!_

"Holy guacamole!" Clay exclaimed as the flash died down. Everyone else looked equally shocked. Raimundo had just ballooned to over three hundred pounds.

The director slapped himself in the forehead. "_Cut!! Cut!!_"

"Okay. . . you caught me," Rai sighed sadly. "This is what I really look like."

Kimiko's eyes bulged. "I HAD THE HOTS FOR YOU!!"

"Rai, what in tarnation did you _do _to yourself?" Clay asked in alarm.

"This is me, from before I had all my liposuction."

The director folded his arms at him. "Liposuction and. . .?"

"And extensive plastic surgery."

"_And?_"

". . . .And rampant illegal steroid abuse. There, _are you happy now?!_"

"I _knew _it! I _knew _there was a reason you were so irresistibly hot!!" Jack shouted, pointing accusatorily at Rai.

Everyone stared at him.

"What? What'd I say?"

"This is not looking good for you, sir," Cartoon Network Executive #2. "'Nothing going on with your actors,' I believe you said?"

The director tried to ignore him. "Okay everyone, accidents happen. . . let's just try it again."

"Now wait a minute!" Wuya snapped. "Don't you care that I'm currently suffering massive internal bleeding from this infernal dinosaur of yours?"

"No. Oil in the Family, take three!"

"Fine. But you won't be pulling a fast one on me _this _time," Wuya growled at the dinosaur. "Two-Ton Tunic!"

The dinosaur bellowed in pain as Wuya hurled the massive Shen Gong Wu onto its tail, trapping it underneath and rendering it immobile.

"Looks like I win," Wuya gloated, pointing the Rio Reverso triumphantly at the giant lizard. "Rio Revers – OH GOD MY ARM!!"

The dinosaur had snatched her up in its teeth by her arm and started shaking her around uncontrollably.

"YAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaAAAAA!!" the Heylin witch shrieked as she flew back and forth, her free arm flailing around and firing blinding blasts from the Rio Reverso in all directions. Everyone screamed and scrambled to get away, but Jack wasn't fast enough.

_ZAP!_

Everyone skidded to a stop and gasped. Jack had suddenly been transformed into a buff, handsome redhead in a sports jersey, and now his skin actually had color. He looked very humiliated as he examined himself.

"Holy &!#!" Wuya exclaimed as the dinosaur dropped her onto the ground.

"Jack! This is the _old _you??" Kimiko exclaimed, failing to notice she was drooling profusely.

"Yes," Jack pouted. "I made myself into a skinny, freakishly pale techno-geek so I wouldn't have to worry about any rabid fangirls fawning over me." He clenched his fists and threw them up in the air in frustration. "But it _didn't work!! Fangirls are CRAZY!!_"

"Uh, yeah, they sure are," Wuya agreed, surreptitiously hiding a framed picture of Jack she had been holding with the words "Mrs. Wuya Spicer" doodled all over it.

"Okay, we're going to try this _one more time_," said the director, massaging his face and ignoring the fact that both executives had withdrawn enormous clubs and were beating them against their palms. "Oil in the Family, take four!"

Wuya snapped back to attention. "All right, lizard breath, this time it's _on!!_" she shouted. "RUBY OF RAMSES!!"

As she fired the Shen Gong Wu, the dinosaur slowly rose off the ground with a look of terror on its face. Wuya cackled in glee as she swung it around wildly in the air before slamming it against the ground again and again, causing the entire set to shake.

"Cut, cut, _cut!! _Wuya, that's not in the script!"

"Screw the script! This guy's been messing with me long enough!" Wuya snapped back before slamming the dinosaur onto the ground one final time with a definitive _crash_.

"HA HA HA!! I finally beat you!" she crowed as she walked right up to the dazed T-rex and began waving her butt at it. "Who's hot stuff now, huh? _Huh? _Me, that's who!" She started slapping her rear end. "Oh yeah, you want that, don't you?"

"You think she knows that dinosaur's a female?" wondered Jack.

"I reckon I'm scarred for life either way," moaned Clay, covering his face.

"So," Wuya said smugly as she straightened out and faced the dinosaur, "what do you say to _that_?"

The dinosaur gave her an unimpressed look before grabbing the Rio Reverso out of her hand and blasting her with it.

_ZAP!_

Everyone was completely unprepared for what was then revealed.

"Dude. . . she's a _dude!!_" Raimundo gaped.

The now-male Wuya sighed deeply. "Well, I guess _my _secret's out."

"Hmm. . . the Wuya/Chase pairing has suddenly skyrocketed in appeal to me," Kimiko mused.

"Aw, Kimiko. . . you ain't one a' _those _girls?" Clay groaned.

"All right, that _does _it!" bellowed Executive #1, grabbing the director by the shoulder and jerking him away. "It's clear that this show is nothing but a corrupt ring of drug abuse and otherwise questionable behavior! We absolutely _cannot _allow this to continue!"

"You mean. . .?" the director gasped.

"Yes. No matter how much your fans plead and petition, _you will never get a fourth season!!_"

"_NOOOOOOOOO!!_" screamed everyone in the cast as each one of them fell to their knees and began sobbing uncontrollably.

"There is only one thing that will cheer me up now," Omi sighed, slowly creeping his hand onto Kimiko's leg.

"And as for _you_," snapped Executive #2, bringing his face right up to the director's, "you are going away for a _long _time. Do you know what they do to television directors in prison??"

"No?"

". . . .Neither do I. But I'm sure it's unpleasant!"

As the executives began to drag away the kicking and screaming director, Wuya suddenly got an idea and leaned over to whisper into Jack's ear. As he listened, Jack's face lit up and his trademark evil grin spread across his face.

"Hey wait, you guys!" he shouted at the executives, reaching into his pocket and hurling something directly at them. In an instant they were surrounded by a thick purple smoke and dropped the director onto the ground as they doubled over coughing.

"What kinda Shen Gong Wu was _that_?" asked Clay.

"It wasn't. It's my cologne," Jack said with a smirk. "'Just Like Chicken'!"

Once the executives had finally waved the cloud out of their faces, they slowly looked up and realized that they were being stared down by the T-rex, who was hungrily licking its lips at them.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" they both screamed and began running wildly around the perimeter of the oil rig, the dinosaur stomping after them all the while.

"Jack, that was _genius!_" Kimiko cried happily.

Jack just shrugged. "I figure the body count of this show is already so high, what's two more?"

The dazed director slowly sat up and rubbed his head. "What – what's going on. . . ." He stared at all the actors standing before him. "Did you guys just _save _me?"

"Uh huh," the cast chorused.

"Even after I've been such an annoying jerk to all of you all this time?"

"Uh huh."

The director looked blank for a long moment, then suddenly smiled. "Have I told you all lately that I love you?"

"Mister director! Don't say that!" Kimiko scolded, even as she slowly tried to put her arm around Jack's middle as Omi attempted to do the same to her. "What kind of perverted show do you think this is?"


End file.
